I don’t ever make New Years resolutions.  I am tired of setting myself up for failure.  I start each year out trying to make a better life for myself and my love and that’s about it.

That being said, in January, I started back on NutriSystem.  Again.  For the fourth time.  But it seems to be different this time.  The first time I did it, I lost 47 pounds in 6 months and got to my goal weight.  That was many, many years ago.  I’ve since gained all that weight back and then quite-a-bit more.

But I’m back and dedicated.  Really dedicated (except for tonight, when I am drinking wine because I just had a steroid injection in my knee and it hurts like hell and I may end up having to have surgery on this knee which pisses me off).  I’ve lost 16 pounds in a little over a month.

It’s a great start.  Better than I’ve ever done on a diet.  I don’t know why it’s better than the other 3 times I’ve been on NutriSystem, other than the mental fact that if I don’t lose it this time, I will give up and go on a donut binge that will last me the rest of my very short days.

But it’s a good diet.  It fits me mentally in several ways:

1.  The carbs are low.  “Good carbs”.  It’s a lot like the South Beach diet, all wrapped up in neat little proportioned sizes.  If I don’t have a low carb diet, I will not function well.  Bad low-blood-sugar shakes, etc.

2.  It has worked for me before.  Good track record.

3.  It makes sense.  It combines low fat, low calorie, low carb and high fiber all in one.  I think that’s how everyone should eat.  Seriously.  I think it’s a perfectly balanced diet.

4.  I will be growing all of the fresh veggies needed for this diet in my garden this summer - and, oh, holy Christopher, I can’t wait!  Fresh veggies from the garden send me swooning.

So I’ll probably be on this diet for a year or so, but this summer, I’ll be swapping in some heavily veggie-laden homemade dinners once in a while.  I can’t wait for my veggies!

And, seriously, if I don’t do it this time, I am going to go WHOLE HOG into fast food, pizza, mac & cheese and every other comfort food you can possibly imagine.  I will immerse myself.  You may never see me again.

I feel like I’m being taken advantage of.  The subject of a vast conspiracy.  Things are happening out of my control and directly reducing my assets.  Cases in point:

First the bank.  And this is really pissing me off.  About 2 years ago, some lowlife stole about $1100 from my checking account, using my debit card number for a wire transfer.  Unable to be recovered, as it went to someone who doesn’t really exist in the Philippines.  But, after the investigation, it was credited back to my account.  Since then, I have done everything I could to keep money out of my checking account and keep it safely in my savings account.  Back to the present.

1.  I notice a $38.50 fee in my checking account.  On the very day that I had made a very large deposit into my savings account - same bank.  And on the day prior to transferring much of said large deposit into my checking account.  Upon questioning the bank, they tell me it’s an overdraft charge, even though I was under the impression that I had applied overdraft protection to my account when I opened my savings account.  *sigh* So I did what I had to do to make sure that I was indeed signed up for overdraft protection for future issues.  Oh, and they couldn’t reverse the charge because I had opened my account in another office where I used to live.

2.  About a week later, I notice a $10 fee in my savings account.  Thinking that by some ridiculous miscalculation I had somehow overdrawn again (since that is the per-offense fee for overdraft protection), I find out that this fee is labeled “excessive withdrawal fee”.  Which I have never heard of.  I then got a letter in the mail explaining that I am only allowed six withdrawals from my savings account within one month.  Reminder - I keep all of my money in the savings account to protect it and only transfer it to my checking when I need to pay bills or buy groceries.  So now, all of a sudden, I am limited in the number of “withdrawals” I can make in one month.  I have made six transfers.  That’s it.  I have made NO withdrawals - only transfers.  To me, that’s wrong.  A transfer within the same institution should not be counted as a withdrawal and deposit.  And I will call them about this one.  In the meantime, I have no money.  I can’t get to my money without incurring another fee until March.  So this week will be cash-free.  I hope we don’t need to get anything!

And now to my friendly neighborhood insurance company.

3.  It seems that my husband has been dropped from my prescription insurance only to be replaced by someone with his name but “decades younger” than him.  Seems I picked up a much younger version of the spouse I really want!  So I had to pay full price for his prescription, if I wanted to get it.  And he needs it.  So I paid full price.  Fortunately, it’s a cheap medicine and the overage was only $5.99, but still.  So now I have to call the benefits department at work and try to figure that one out.

Within the space of a week, without doing ANYTHING, I have lost $54.49.  Like I simply tore it up and threw it in the trash can.  Folks, I cannot afford to be paying fees like this.  Times are hard - stop the insanity!

Ugh.

It was nice to concentrate on something other than layoffs this morning.  Nothing like a long weekend to give you time to stew!

Anyway, we redesigned our garden this morning and we won’t have to make much of a change to how we laid it out last year - we’re going to make one whole section double-deep for potatoes, but that’s the only structural changes we’ll be making.  We found our inventory of seeds that were over-wintered in the coolest spot of the basement, so they should still be quite viable.  And then we ordered what we need for this year.  The only things we didn’t order were the herbs because Burpee didn’t carry plant versions of what we wanted - only seeds - and I’d rather have the started plants.  We’ll pick them up from the farmer’s market when it’s time.

So, this year, we’ll be attempting to grow:

Onions (red, yellow, and white)
Carrots
Beets
Brussels Sprouts
Lettuce (several kinds)
Green Onions
Yellow Squash
Cucumbers (seedless and pickling)
Pole beans
Bush beans (several kinds)
Peas
Winter Squash
Potatoes (four kinds of regular and two kinds of sweet)
Green Peppers (several kinds)
Cayenne Peppers
Radishes
Tomatoes
Asparagus (held over from the 2-year-old plants we planted last year)
Parsley
Basil
Tarragon
Oregano
Thyme
Rosemary

I can’t wait to get started!  Buzz is in the basement right now assembling our new plant stand for starting our seedlings.  I’m very excited!

So sad.  I had to say goodbye to an old friend recently.

It was a shirt.

A really, really good shirt!  A shirt that never failed me, always fit, always looked good, whether dressy or casual.  It was the perfect shirt.  A solid black cotton blend that did well right out of the dryer, that breathed in the summer, but kept me warm in the winter.  A shirt that I could layer or wear alone. 

At some point in time (it might have been while I was taking this picture), a hole developed in the left elbow.  I had no idea.  I still don’t know how many times I wore that shirt with a hole in the elbow.  Maybe since this picture. 

I garnered my strength and relinquished my old friend to the trash can.  I said a silent prayer of thanks for the many years of service.  Because, honestly, I had had this shirt for at least 10 years.  And do you think I can find another plain black button-down shirt to replace it?? 

I’ll miss ya, you old shirt you!

Something funny - I’ve been a wee bit, just the tiniest bit, concerned about losing my job.  Or Buzz losing his job.  Or both. 

And when I say that I’ve been just the tiniest bit concerned, I mean that I have been freaking the hell out.  Flipping out, more like it.  I can’t think of anything else for many, many hours of the day.  I’m sure that if it happens, I will have to put a For Sale sign out in front of our house that very same day.  ‘Cause I know how much I pay to live here and it’s not going to happen on one or none salaries!  I’m particularly concerned because my specialty is with an old, old technology that practically no one uses any more.  You could say it’s a niche position.  It will be required where I work for many years to come but I doubt that many other places are looking for this expertise.  Which brings me to Starbucks.  Or McDonald’s.  And then I’m back to that For Sale sign on my front lawn.

So I’ve been trying to collect myself enough to rationally define a plan.  Since we weren’t smart enough to define an economic safety net, we’ll have to deal with what we have.  But every time I start to think about it, I go through another real live anxiety attack, complete with the sweats and heart racing and nausea that accompanies all of the finest panic attacks.

Which brings me to the title of this post.  Poor Buzz has been dealing with my frantic panic and he’s getting to the point where it’s quite enough already.  He told me that if I don’t calm down, he’s going to go to the mall.

*blink*

*blink blink*

I don’t know what that means.  Why is he going to the mall if I don’t calm down?  This one has me baffled.  All I can hope is that, if he does go to the mall, he doesn’t spend any money because we can’t afford it!!!

Let’s go to the mall, everybody!
Everybody come and play
Throw every last care away
Let’s go to the mall today